Best Mother’s Day wishes to all our Moms! A mother is a special part of all that’s cherished in our hearts. Many of us will be sharing words spoken, written, or prayers in thanksgiving for all the ways our moms made us feel loved, nurtured, and cared for. Though many of us feel grateful and blessed to have had amazing and wonderful moms, others may struggle with this connection for a variety of reasons.
Maureen Killoran, a spiritual writer, speaks of the power and complications that can occur with our relationship with moms and offers prayers for blessing and healing of the heart:
For all who never knew their mothers…and all who chose or were compelled to let their children drift away…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all who longed to hold their newborn in the arms of love…and all who faced a pregnancy with fear…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all who struggle with the pain of their mother’s increasing confusion…and all who feel the muddle growing in their own heads and seek to keep it from their parent…or their child…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all whose mothers never grew up…and all whose mothers never learned to play…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all who missed the chance to say I love you…and all who long to say it now, but find ourselves afraid…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all who carry ancient wounds…infertility…abuse…misunderstanding…anger…grief…We ask a blessing on this day.
For all who struggle with regret…We ask a blessing on this day.
Not long before his own death, the late and now Saint Pope John Paul II, who lost his own mother at an early age, was intrigued by the work of psychologist Dr. Dan Siegal, who specialized in early parental bonding. Dr. Siegal explained that every child yearns for, and must have, eye contact for healthy emotional development to occur. Dr. Siegal founded a new field of research known as Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB). Through his research he proved that a mother’s gaze plays a critical role in how we develop empathy.
Dr. Dan Siegal’s work on “a mother’s gaze” led to a private meeting between himself and Pope John Paul II at the Vatican. There they discussed, in a very personal way, the pontiff’s experience of being orphaned at a very young age and the impact it had on his psychological and spiritual life and development. The gaze of our mothers, or a loving parental figure, mirrors the gaze of our loving God. Dr. Siegal wrote that a person learns the world from their mother’s face. A mother’s eyes are the mirror where children confirm their own existence. From the reflection of its mother’s eyes, a baby draws its earliest, wordless lessons about connection, care, and love.
The mother’s gaze determines more than we might realize about how we come to see ourselves, our place in the world, and the people around us. Repeated tens of thousands of times in the child’s life, these small moments of mutual rapport transmit the best part of our humanity, our capacity for love, from one generation to the next. Without such mirrored transmission, children deprived of the mother’s gaze are likely to feel disconnected from others later in life. Many of them will struggle to heal this disconnect in destructive ways ranging from dysfunctional love to substance abuse.
Dr. Siegal suggests that the visual interaction between mother and child primes the moral organ in visceral ways. “Through mirroring, attachment to caregivers helps the immature brain use the mature functions of the parents’ brain to organize its own processes,” he told a journalist. “We learn to care, quite literally, by observing the caring behavior of our parents toward us.” Through the mirrored love in our parents’ eyes, we learn surrender, devotion, and trust.
Let us pray for all mothers this weekend and for healing upon those who struggle with complicated relationships with their own mothers. If we have experienced a wounded relationship with our mothers, may God bring us renewed hope and healing.
Happy Mother’s Day to all our mothers!
(Fr. Rich Jakubik, Holy Family’s Associate Pastor, is writing this column while Fr. Terry is away.)